Looking for His love


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It’s been over five years since I lost my first child.  I’ve lost two more since then. Losing them sent me into a whirlwind of questions I may never forget.  But God is so good. He sent me the answers.

I remember clearly the time I drove down the road one spring day, feeling heartbroken.

“God loves everyone”  I tried to console myself.

“But why then, doesn’t he love me?

The “feelings” of God’s absence, although untrue, overwhelmed me.  Doubts plagued me.

Thoughts like:

 I try so hard yet, I don’t measure up.

God may be love.  The Bible says so, right?  But I must have missed something.  I don’t “get it”, so I can’t have his love.

He. doesn’t. love. me.

However, I wasn’t satisfied to drown in a raging sea of hopelessness. I flapped my arms and gasped for air.  I knew that there was a lifeboat and I was desperate to get in.

What I needed was to see it.  To hear it.  To read it myself.

I needed to believe it.

And so I began to search.  I looked to the Psalms in God’s word.  If anyone ever felt so deeply  it was David.  If anyone ever cried enough tears to fill an ocean or felt their bones waste away, that person, they could relate to how I felt.  David, like myself, wasn’t content to drown.

Psalm 86:13a “For great is your steadfast love toward me

Psalm 86: 15 “But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.”

 Romans 10:17 “Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God.”

If we ever need to be convinced of Gods love we only need to search the scriptures.  They tell us over and over again of his love.  Unfailing, Unchanging, Abounding. Never-ending.  A love so deep and wide.  A love so strong, so overflowing, we can’t even measure it.

The best part?  I began to see that I didn’t deserve Gods love; Yet, He loves me anyways.  He loves because it’s who he is.  Its his character.  Love belongs to him.  It defines him.

Gods love has nothing to do with me or my action but it’s who he IS.  God IS love.

Psalm 25:7 “Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions;
according to your steadfast love remember me,
for the sake of your goodness, O Lord!”

And so the pressure is off.  I don’t have to earn it; to measure up.  Just because I struggle to feel it, doesn’t mean its not there.

His love never fails. It’s long-suffering,  steadfast and is poured out on me.

I threw myself into the Psalms and found my lifeboat:  God. His promise.  His love.

Have you ever sought through the scriptures because you were desperate for truth?  Perhaps, you, like me at one time struggled to believe that God loved you.  YOU.  Let me be the first to say “He loves you, dear believer.  Yes, He is love.”


About An American Expat

A 30 something mom and wife who currently lives on an island.
This entry was posted in Encouragement, Faith and Inspiration. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Looking for His love

  1. Pingback: February’s Monthly Goals Update And March’s Goals | On My Way To Organized

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